This post is for all you nosy people that like to pretend you aren't nosy but really are dying to know what's going on.
Cheers to you!
I'm that person, too.
Well simply put. Cody and I are no longer dating. Not together. Done. Finished. Over.
This has been coming for a while now, but I've done a great job of covering everything up both on here and in real life so people didn't know anything was wrong unless I wanted them to know.
It wasn't an easy decision on my part and I struggled with this for a long time. It also isn't exactly what I want. What I need? Probably. What I want.... Not so much.
Here's a few details:
I am an incredibly hard person to handle. I'm filled to the brim with sarcasm and problems, but I'm also quite awesome which can be hard to handle as well. I put absolutely everything I've got into relationships. All of them. I won't short change you on my half of the relationship. I do my best to make up for any problems on the other side. You're an awful communicator? I'll supply the conversation when you can't find the words, and then be understanding about it later. I'll read what's going on through your actions and emotions without words (which sometimes I blow at). You can't cook? I'll let you take me out to dinner instead. You a billion miles away? No big deal. I'll get there with my jet pack.
But seriously. I give. I will give you everything I have. I would like to take in return, but if you don't give that won't stop me from giving.
Yes. I see. Right there is an equation for trouble. I'm big on trouble. We're good friends.
I'm also stubborn. Oh Lord. Throw that into the mix and now none of you can really be doubting what happened.
I might be slightly crazy. I'll leave it at that.
I also happen to believe I can do anything. That I can make everything work. If I just keep trying, keep working, keep going it will eventually be successful. Failure and rejection are two terms I keep away from. Just keep swimming. This isn't exactly a perk.
Cody and I have always had trouble with distance.
When I left for college, we fought nearly everyday because he didn't believe he could handle a long distance relationship and he had trouble trusting me. And well... I believe I can do everything. If he would not have joined the Marines, we would have broken up before I finished my freshman year of college.
When he left for boot camp, it was an easy semester. I had to write letters. Since we already know I'm capable of anything, I aced that section of the relationship.
After that though....
I convinced myself he didn't change. That he was the same old Cody that I had before. The one that would leave me love notes on pink post-its in my car after a fight. The one that I married on a post-it after dating for two weeks. Who bought me 25 cent rings. Who would drive me around time at all hours of the night. Took me to Wal-Mart so I could buy an apple. I convinced myself that was still him.
Perhaps it is still him, but I haven't seen that side of him since. I know that this could be because of the distance. Or it could be because of the Marines. I don't know which.
From what I see now, it's not who he is anymore. Which is fine, but not for me. He became somebody who put his relationships with people last. Absolutely last. At least all of the people that weren't within five minutes from him. And in case I didn't mention this earlier, I'm needy. I want attention. I understood that he had a life outside of me and I was willing to accept that, but I couldn't accept him not wanting me a part of his life. Or him not wanting to be a part of my life.
I am incredibly proud of me. I love what I'm doing. I love the things happening in my life. I need somebody that can rejoice with me and be excited about my life with me. Somebody that cares about the little things in my life, like the "I fell down the stairs today" things.
I need somebody that can be present every single day. Even if it's only a quick text before bed.
He wasn't capable of that. He would go days, weeks even without speaking a single word to me and then show back up whenever he wanted without so much as an explanation, let alone an apology. He wouldn't show up for Skype dates and then do the same thing the next week. Remember? I'm needy and want attention...
I understood the distance. I understood the Marines as well as I could. I understand him better than I should and it breaks my heart to tell people the less than wonderful things he has done in our relationship. I worked for this relationship and it breaks my heart that it's over.
I think the best way to end this is as dramatic as possible.
Which means... An eulogy.
But I'm definitely writing it to myself, because I have already said everything I need to say about us and him.
Hey girl,
I get it. You worked and worked and worked. You struggled. You fought. You hoped, prayed, and wished. You wanted. Thought you needed. You gave everything you had to give.
I'm sorry. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It's unfair. You're right, you know? You really don't deserve this hurt. You're better than you ever gave yourself credit for.
But you have grown so much. You have become so much better than you were before you loved him. You found a passion that is strong enough to drag you around the world. Again and again and hopefully again. You learned how to love a family that wasn't yours just like you love yours. You have proven yourself to be one of the strongest people I know. You learned what it's like to open yourself up to someone. To trust someone. To let love happen, grow, and be. You loved him more than you thought you were capable of. You will continue to love him, I'm sure. I really doubt it's just going to vanish because you're hurt. Embrace that. It's special. Don't stay mad. It's okay for now, you're hurt, I know. But let go of it. Don't try to force out the love you have for him. That piece will always be his. Remind yourself that without him you wouldn't be standing here today. You wouldn't know the love he gave. Because trust me, he loved you, too. He loved you with everything he had, but God has another plan for you. Stephanie, cherish the good times. Forget the bad, they will bring you nothing but pain.
Go on. Live your life, even if right now it looks upside down. I love you and I'm always here for you.
A Girl and Her Marine
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Struggling
I don't even think it's fair to claim that I'm barely keeping my head above water right now. I think more realistically, I'm drowning. Plain and simple. My head has been pushed under the water and I'm waiting for the last bit of my air to vanish. Which if you know me, takes about 2 seconds considering I can't hold my breath any longer than that.
Because this won't be posted on Facebook, I know that the people that read it will probably be the people that should read it. Before I go on, don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me. None of that. I don't want it. But thanks.
I have just struggled so much lately. I can't really think of the last time I wasn't struggling and everything was going alright for me.... Maybe when I was still in high school. Life was pretty simple then.
School is alright. I have a lot to do and all of my teachers believe they are the only teacher I have this semester. But it's okay. I can balance all of that. Maybe not well.. But I can do it.
Work is good. I love having a place to go to get away from campus every week. Although sometimes it is just as stressful as being on campus. The snuggles from the kids make up for any stress.
The thing that has me feeling like I'm drowning is my relationship.
Yep. Here's how it's going...
It's not.
I don't mean to be harsh or rude, but that's what is happening right now. I can't keep my head above the water long enough to hold on to anything. I'm constantly in the wrong. He disappears for days at a time. This has happened so often that I no longer get mad about it. No longer do I get angry. I get hurt. Instant pain. It's as if he's telling me, "you're not good enough for me to spend time on you." And I've been told I'm not good enough before so this just reiterates that fact for me.
If you're reading this, you may agree with that statement. Cool. If you don't, that's okay, too. I bounce back and forth on what I believe at least 19 times a day.
I have a beautiful, beautiful life. I have a family so large that I can't even remember how half of us are related. I have friends that "get it." I have a sister. Probably one of the most important things in my life. She doesn't baby me. She tells it how it is. And then she loves me through every step. I have a career in the making that brings me joy and happiness. I'm finally bilingual! I have had support and love from the Marine's family. Even when we're fighting, they have always shown me love and support. I have a God that loves me so much that he chose me. I have so much. I'm getting an education at a private university. I have three meals a day. I can make time for a nap everyday.
I see all of my many blessings. I am so very blessed. But right now I have one area in my life that is just a constant battle and it breaks my heart.
I have no idea what is coming next for me. Or for him. Or for us. All I know is that I have to trust that God has a plan. A great, marvelous, and beautiful plan that I didn't even think was possible. And with Him, I can do everything.
I'm constantly praying, pleading, begging God to help me. To give me strength. To stand beside me in whatever I'm faced with. To show me what He wants from me. Constantly pleading for Him to make everything right and wonderful.
What I hear back is simple. I love you. I'm here.
Because this won't be posted on Facebook, I know that the people that read it will probably be the people that should read it. Before I go on, don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me. None of that. I don't want it. But thanks.
I have just struggled so much lately. I can't really think of the last time I wasn't struggling and everything was going alright for me.... Maybe when I was still in high school. Life was pretty simple then.
School is alright. I have a lot to do and all of my teachers believe they are the only teacher I have this semester. But it's okay. I can balance all of that. Maybe not well.. But I can do it.
Work is good. I love having a place to go to get away from campus every week. Although sometimes it is just as stressful as being on campus. The snuggles from the kids make up for any stress.
The thing that has me feeling like I'm drowning is my relationship.
Yep. Here's how it's going...
It's not.
I don't mean to be harsh or rude, but that's what is happening right now. I can't keep my head above the water long enough to hold on to anything. I'm constantly in the wrong. He disappears for days at a time. This has happened so often that I no longer get mad about it. No longer do I get angry. I get hurt. Instant pain. It's as if he's telling me, "you're not good enough for me to spend time on you." And I've been told I'm not good enough before so this just reiterates that fact for me.
If you're reading this, you may agree with that statement. Cool. If you don't, that's okay, too. I bounce back and forth on what I believe at least 19 times a day.
I have a beautiful, beautiful life. I have a family so large that I can't even remember how half of us are related. I have friends that "get it." I have a sister. Probably one of the most important things in my life. She doesn't baby me. She tells it how it is. And then she loves me through every step. I have a career in the making that brings me joy and happiness. I'm finally bilingual! I have had support and love from the Marine's family. Even when we're fighting, they have always shown me love and support. I have a God that loves me so much that he chose me. I have so much. I'm getting an education at a private university. I have three meals a day. I can make time for a nap everyday.
I see all of my many blessings. I am so very blessed. But right now I have one area in my life that is just a constant battle and it breaks my heart.
I have no idea what is coming next for me. Or for him. Or for us. All I know is that I have to trust that God has a plan. A great, marvelous, and beautiful plan that I didn't even think was possible. And with Him, I can do everything.
I'm constantly praying, pleading, begging God to help me. To give me strength. To stand beside me in whatever I'm faced with. To show me what He wants from me. Constantly pleading for Him to make everything right and wonderful.
What I hear back is simple. I love you. I'm here.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Deployments
The Marine isn't currently deployed and it could be a while before he ever is deployed. He actually once told me that there is a chance he will never be deployed. Ha. I'm not holding my breath for that one! This is a part of his life. Meaning, this is also a part of my life. A part that I look at with fear and disgust. Or I did.
I'm not sure when exactly the change took place. Maybe overnight. Maybe a slow progression since day one. I have no idea. But one day, I decided it was going to be okay.
Here is how I used to look at deployments:
Alone for months upon months at a time.
Sleepless nights.
Restlessly waiting for a phone call, text message, Skype call, anything!
Waiting for the someone to show up on my doorstep and give me the bad news.
Raising children alone.
Fear. Pure fear. Afraid for his health and his well-being. Afraid for my sanity. Afraid for our relationship.
I can't say that those things don't scare me now. I'm still fearful of him being deployed for fear that he will not come back to me. At least not on this planet. That fear is something I have put aside. It's not any less scary than it was before, but it's not something I need to worry about today. I'll decide tomorrow if it's something to worry about then, but for now, I don't need that fear.
My perspective changed though. No longer was I simply an observer. No longer was I just to be consumed with fear. Because that would never actually work. If the Marine got deployed and I just sat around in fear and waited for news.... Gosh. I would be such a fun person to be in a relationship with. Psh.
The Marine signed up for this. He knew it on day one. He knew that we were at war. This wasn't a surprise he didn't plan for. This wasn't something he didn't think about. He knew. He knew and signed up anyways.
Whenever I get upset with something that takes place, his favorite thing to say to me is, "There is nothing I can do about it."
Ooooh. I don't like that. I like having control. I like knowing things. But the Marine Corps could not care less about me and my feelings.
So I stopped worrying about the things out of my control (or I'm trying at least!). I can't decide if or when the Marine gets deployed. Nobody consults me and my plans. Nobody. If the Marine gets deployed, the Marine is ready. He knows his job.
I keep seeing pictures of Marines, soldiers, airmen, etc. overseas. And each of these pictures.. They would have struck fear deep in my heart before. The fear that one could be my Marine eventually. But now? Now they strike up pride. So much pride. I see Marines caring for the children (we all know that's the fastest way to get to my heart). I see them protecting what they believe in. I know that I don't even see a fraction of what takes place over there, but I know that I will support my Marine no matter what. The pride will always be there for him.
My new view on deployments?
Alone for months upon months at a time. What's so unfamiliar about that?
Sleepless nights. Let's be real, I'm a college student. We don't even remember that nights are for sleeping
Restlessly waiting for a phone call, text message, Skype call, anything! Oh.. Yeah I already know this feeling. And while it has taken me a while to get used to it, I am starting to really understand that we have separate schedules because we are running different lives right now.
Waiting for the someone to show up on my doorstep and give me the bad news. This would still suck. But I have also come to understand that he would have died for something he believes needs protecting. He knows that this could happen. And if he's not afraid, I can at least toughen up and not worry about it today.
Raising children alone. Let's not even think about raising children until we need to.
Fear. Pure fear. Afraid for his health and his well-being. Afraid for my sanity. Afraid for our relationship. I'm scared for many reasons, including those above. But it's not overwhelming. The pride is what overwhelms me now. I can't say I'm ready for a deployment, because I would love to delay that as long as possible (forever), but I know we could make it. I know our relationship would grow and strengthen every day he is away. I know that I have enough love and support from my family, friends, and the Marine that I wouldn't end up in a padded cell. Him? Well.. I trust that God will take care of him for me. And if that means he goes to God's arms instead of mine.. I just have to trust that God has a better plan than I do.
I'm not sure when exactly the change took place. Maybe overnight. Maybe a slow progression since day one. I have no idea. But one day, I decided it was going to be okay.
Here is how I used to look at deployments:
Alone for months upon months at a time.
Sleepless nights.
Restlessly waiting for a phone call, text message, Skype call, anything!
Waiting for the someone to show up on my doorstep and give me the bad news.
Raising children alone.
Fear. Pure fear. Afraid for his health and his well-being. Afraid for my sanity. Afraid for our relationship.
I can't say that those things don't scare me now. I'm still fearful of him being deployed for fear that he will not come back to me. At least not on this planet. That fear is something I have put aside. It's not any less scary than it was before, but it's not something I need to worry about today. I'll decide tomorrow if it's something to worry about then, but for now, I don't need that fear.
My perspective changed though. No longer was I simply an observer. No longer was I just to be consumed with fear. Because that would never actually work. If the Marine got deployed and I just sat around in fear and waited for news.... Gosh. I would be such a fun person to be in a relationship with. Psh.
The Marine signed up for this. He knew it on day one. He knew that we were at war. This wasn't a surprise he didn't plan for. This wasn't something he didn't think about. He knew. He knew and signed up anyways.
Whenever I get upset with something that takes place, his favorite thing to say to me is, "There is nothing I can do about it."
Ooooh. I don't like that. I like having control. I like knowing things. But the Marine Corps could not care less about me and my feelings.
So I stopped worrying about the things out of my control (or I'm trying at least!). I can't decide if or when the Marine gets deployed. Nobody consults me and my plans. Nobody. If the Marine gets deployed, the Marine is ready. He knows his job.
I keep seeing pictures of Marines, soldiers, airmen, etc. overseas. And each of these pictures.. They would have struck fear deep in my heart before. The fear that one could be my Marine eventually. But now? Now they strike up pride. So much pride. I see Marines caring for the children (we all know that's the fastest way to get to my heart). I see them protecting what they believe in. I know that I don't even see a fraction of what takes place over there, but I know that I will support my Marine no matter what. The pride will always be there for him.
My new view on deployments?
Alone for months upon months at a time. What's so unfamiliar about that?
Sleepless nights. Let's be real, I'm a college student. We don't even remember that nights are for sleeping
Restlessly waiting for a phone call, text message, Skype call, anything! Oh.. Yeah I already know this feeling. And while it has taken me a while to get used to it, I am starting to really understand that we have separate schedules because we are running different lives right now.
Waiting for the someone to show up on my doorstep and give me the bad news. This would still suck. But I have also come to understand that he would have died for something he believes needs protecting. He knows that this could happen. And if he's not afraid, I can at least toughen up and not worry about it today.
Raising children alone. Let's not even think about raising children until we need to.
Fear. Pure fear. Afraid for his health and his well-being. Afraid for my sanity. Afraid for our relationship. I'm scared for many reasons, including those above. But it's not overwhelming. The pride is what overwhelms me now. I can't say I'm ready for a deployment, because I would love to delay that as long as possible (forever), but I know we could make it. I know our relationship would grow and strengthen every day he is away. I know that I have enough love and support from my family, friends, and the Marine that I wouldn't end up in a padded cell. Him? Well.. I trust that God will take care of him for me. And if that means he goes to God's arms instead of mine.. I just have to trust that God has a better plan than I do.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Internet...
Currently, I am having serious trouble getting my laptop to connect to the internet at my dorm. It apparently doesn't mind connecting at the library though... I don't get it either.
Once I can regularly get internet and don't have to come to the library in the middle of the night, I promise to come back to you all and write away! I promise.
It may take forever though. Because well... TU is pretty sketchy with their internet. It's super lame. During the wait, have a great day (read this every day I'm away).
Once I can regularly get internet and don't have to come to the library in the middle of the night, I promise to come back to you all and write away! I promise.
It may take forever though. Because well... TU is pretty sketchy with their internet. It's super lame. During the wait, have a great day (read this every day I'm away).
Friday, March 2, 2012
Whoops!
Yes yes yes, I know. I haven't been here in forever. But really, I haven't felt like I have anything worthwhile to say. Not that I really ever do, but this was just a complete void of what I would write about here. I don't have kids so I can't really write funny stories about what they are doing or parenting woes. I live in a dorm room so I don't cook. I can't share recipies of foods I don't actually make. And straight up, my life just isn't that interesting. Crazy, I know. But! It's now officially March so I'll start writing something. Whatever that may be.
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