Deployments

The Marine isn't currently deployed and it could be a while before he ever is deployed. He actually once told me that there is a chance he will never be deployed. Ha. I'm not holding my breath for that one! This is a part of his life. Meaning, this is also a part of my life. A part that I look at with fear and disgust. Or I did.
I'm not sure when exactly the change took place. Maybe overnight. Maybe a slow progression since day one. I have no idea. But one day, I decided it was going to be okay.

Here is how I used to look at deployments:

Alone for months upon months at a time. 

Sleepless nights.

Restlessly waiting for a phone call, text message, Skype call, anything!

Waiting for the someone to show up on my doorstep and give me the bad news. 

Raising children alone.

Fear. Pure fear. Afraid for his health and his well-being. Afraid for my sanity. Afraid for our relationship.

I can't say that those things don't scare me now. I'm still fearful of him being deployed for fear that he will not come back to me. At least not on this planet. That fear is something I have put aside. It's not any less scary than it was before, but it's not something I need to worry about today. I'll decide tomorrow if it's something to worry about then, but for now, I don't need that fear.

My perspective changed though. No longer was I simply an observer. No longer was I just to be consumed with fear. Because that would never actually work. If the Marine got deployed and I just sat around in fear and waited for news.... Gosh. I would be such a fun person to be in a relationship with. Psh.

The Marine signed up for this. He knew it on day one. He knew that we were at war. This wasn't a surprise he didn't plan for. This wasn't something he didn't think about. He knew. He knew and signed up anyways.

Whenever I get upset with something that takes place, his favorite thing to say to me is, "There is nothing I can do about it."

Ooooh. I don't like that. I like having control. I like knowing things. But the Marine Corps could not care less about me and my feelings.

So I stopped worrying about the things out of my control (or I'm trying at least!). I can't decide if or when the Marine gets deployed. Nobody consults me and my plans. Nobody. If the Marine gets deployed, the Marine is ready. He knows his job.

I keep seeing pictures of Marines, soldiers, airmen, etc. overseas. And each of these pictures.. They would have struck fear deep in my heart before. The fear that one could be my Marine eventually. But now? Now they strike up pride. So much pride. I see Marines caring for the children (we all know that's the fastest way to get to my heart). I see them protecting what they believe in. I know that I don't even see a fraction of what takes place over there, but I know that I will support my Marine no matter what. The pride will always be there for him.

My new view on deployments?

Alone for months upon months at a time. What's so unfamiliar about that?

Sleepless nights. Let's be real, I'm a college student. We don't even remember that nights are for sleeping

Restlessly waiting for a phone call, text message, Skype call, anything! Oh.. Yeah I already know this feeling. And while it has taken me a while to get used to it, I am starting to really understand that we have separate schedules because we are running different lives right now.


Waiting for the someone to show up on my doorstep and give me the bad news. This would still suck. But I have also come to understand that he would have died for something he believes needs protecting. He knows that this could happen. And if he's not afraid, I can at least toughen up and not worry about it today.

Raising children alone. Let's not even think about raising children until we need to.

Fear. Pure fear. Afraid for his health and his well-being. Afraid for my sanity. Afraid for our relationship. I'm scared for many reasons, including those above. But it's not overwhelming. The pride is what overwhelms me now. I can't say I'm ready for a deployment, because I would love to delay that as long as possible (forever), but I know we could make it. I know our relationship would grow and strengthen every day he is away. I know that I have enough love and support from my family, friends, and the Marine that I wouldn't end up in a padded cell. Him? Well.. I trust that God will take care of him for me. And if that means he goes to God's arms instead of mine.. I just have to trust that God has a better plan than I do.