Struggling

I don't even think it's fair to claim that I'm barely keeping my head above water right now. I think more realistically, I'm drowning. Plain and simple. My head has been pushed under the water and I'm waiting for the last bit of my air to vanish. Which if you know me, takes about 2 seconds considering I can't hold my breath any longer than that.

Because this won't be posted on Facebook, I know that the people that read it will probably be the people that should read it. Before I go on, don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me. None of that. I don't want it. But thanks.

I have just struggled so much lately. I can't really think of the last time I wasn't struggling and everything was going alright for me.... Maybe when I was still in high school. Life was pretty simple then.

School is alright. I have a lot to do and all of my teachers believe they are the only teacher I have this semester. But it's okay. I can balance all of that. Maybe not well.. But I can do it.

Work is good. I love having a place to go to get away from campus every week. Although sometimes it is just as stressful as being on campus. The snuggles from the kids make up for any stress.

The thing that has me feeling like I'm drowning is my relationship.

Yep. Here's how it's going...

It's not.

I don't mean to be harsh or rude, but that's what is happening right now. I can't keep my head above the water long enough to hold on to anything. I'm constantly in the wrong. He disappears for days at a time. This has happened so often that I no longer get mad about it. No longer do I get angry. I get hurt. Instant pain. It's as if he's telling me, "you're not good enough for me to spend time on you." And I've been told I'm not good enough before so this just reiterates that fact for me.

If you're reading this, you may agree with that statement. Cool. If you don't, that's okay, too. I bounce back and forth on what I believe at least 19 times a day.

I have a beautiful, beautiful life. I have a family so large that I can't even remember how half of us are related. I have friends that "get it." I have a sister. Probably one of the most important things in my life. She doesn't baby me. She tells it how it is. And then she loves me through every step. I have a career in the making that brings me joy and happiness. I'm finally bilingual! I have had support and love from the Marine's family. Even when we're fighting, they have always shown me love and support. I have a God that loves me so much that he chose me. I have so much. I'm getting an education at a private university. I have three meals a day. I can make time for a nap everyday.

I see all of my many blessings. I am so very blessed. But right now I have one area in my life that is just a constant battle and it breaks my heart.

I have no idea what is coming next for me. Or for him. Or for us. All I know is that I have to trust that God has a plan. A great, marvelous, and beautiful plan that I didn't even think was possible. And with Him, I can do everything.

I'm constantly praying, pleading, begging God to help me. To give me strength. To stand beside me in whatever I'm faced with. To show me what He wants from me. Constantly pleading for Him to make everything right and wonderful.

What I hear back is simple. I love you. I'm here.