Over and Out

This post is for all you nosy people that like to pretend you aren't nosy but really are dying to know what's going on.

Cheers to you!

I'm that person, too.

Well simply put. Cody and I are no longer dating. Not together. Done. Finished. Over.

This has been coming for a while now, but I've done a great job of covering everything up both on here and in real life so people didn't know anything was wrong unless I wanted them to know.

It wasn't an easy decision on my part and I struggled with this for a long time. It also isn't exactly what I want. What I need? Probably. What I want.... Not so much.

Here's a few details:

I am an incredibly hard person to handle. I'm filled to the brim with sarcasm and problems, but I'm also quite awesome which can be hard to handle as well. I put absolutely everything I've got into relationships. All of them. I won't short change you on my half of the relationship. I do my best to make up for any problems on the other side. You're an awful communicator? I'll supply the conversation when you can't find the words, and then be understanding about it later. I'll read what's going on through your actions and emotions without words (which sometimes I blow at). You can't cook? I'll let you take me out to dinner instead. You a billion miles away? No big deal. I'll get there with my jet pack.

But seriously. I give. I will give you everything I have. I would like to take in return, but if you don't give that won't stop me from giving.

Yes. I see. Right there is an equation for trouble. I'm big on trouble. We're good friends.

I'm also stubborn. Oh Lord. Throw that into the mix and now none of you can really be doubting what happened.

I might be slightly crazy. I'll leave it at that.

I also happen to believe I can do anything. That I can make everything work. If I just keep trying, keep working, keep going it will eventually be successful. Failure and rejection are two terms I keep away from. Just keep swimming. This isn't exactly a perk.


Cody and I have always had trouble with distance.

When I left for college, we fought nearly everyday because he didn't believe he could handle a long distance relationship and he had trouble trusting me. And well... I believe I can do everything. If he would not have joined the Marines, we would have broken up before I finished my freshman year of college.

When he left for boot camp, it was an easy semester. I had to write letters. Since we already know I'm capable of anything, I aced that section of the relationship.

After that though....

I convinced myself he didn't change. That he was the same old Cody that I had before. The one that would leave me love notes on pink post-its in my car after a fight. The one that I married on a post-it after dating for two weeks. Who bought me 25 cent rings. Who would drive me around time at all hours of the night. Took me to Wal-Mart so I could buy an apple. I convinced myself that was still him.

Perhaps it is still him, but I haven't seen that side of him since. I know that this could be because of the distance. Or it could be because of the Marines. I don't know which.

From what I see now, it's not who he is anymore. Which is fine, but not for me. He became somebody who put his relationships with people last. Absolutely last. At least all of the people that weren't within five minutes from him. And in case I didn't mention this earlier, I'm needy. I want attention. I understood that he had a life outside of me and I was willing to accept that, but I couldn't accept him not wanting me a part of his life. Or him not wanting to be a part of my life.

I am incredibly proud of me. I love what I'm doing. I love the things happening in my life. I need somebody that can rejoice with me and be excited about my life with me. Somebody that cares about the little things in my life, like the "I fell down the stairs today" things.

I need somebody that can be present every single day. Even if it's only a quick text before bed.

He wasn't capable of that. He would go days, weeks even without speaking a single word to me and then show back up whenever he wanted without so much as an explanation, let alone an apology. He wouldn't show up for Skype dates and then do the same thing the next week. Remember? I'm needy and want attention...

I understood the distance. I understood the Marines as well as I could. I understand him better than I should and it breaks my heart to tell people the less than wonderful things he has done in our relationship. I worked for this relationship and it breaks my heart that it's over.

I think the best way to end this is as dramatic as possible.

Which means... An eulogy.

But I'm definitely writing it to myself, because I have already said everything I need to say about us and him.


Hey girl,

I get it. You worked and worked and worked. You struggled. You fought. You hoped, prayed, and wished. You wanted. Thought you needed. You gave everything you had to give.
I'm sorry. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It's unfair. You're right, you know? You really don't deserve this hurt. You're better than you ever gave yourself credit for.
But you have grown so much. You have become so much better than you were before you loved him. You found a passion that is strong enough to drag you around the world. Again and again and hopefully again. You learned how to love a family that wasn't yours just like you love yours. You have proven yourself to be one of the strongest people I know. You learned what it's like to open yourself up to someone. To trust someone. To let love happen, grow, and be. You loved him more than you thought you were capable of. You will continue to love him, I'm sure. I really doubt it's just going to vanish because you're hurt. Embrace that. It's special. Don't stay mad. It's okay for now, you're hurt, I know. But let go of it. Don't try to force out the love you have for him. That piece will always be his. Remind yourself that without him you wouldn't be standing here today. You wouldn't know the love he gave. Because trust me, he loved you, too. He loved you with everything he had, but God has another plan for you. Stephanie, cherish the good times. Forget the bad, they will bring you nothing but pain.
Go on. Live your life, even if right now it looks upside down. I love you and I'm always here for you.